Ok. I messed up. I admit it. It’s not the first time and it won’t be the last. I’m an idiot.
“Mr. 1800’s Moustache” emailed me again. You may remember his emails from my post yesterday. No? Ok- take a look. He’s gross and creepy.
How is that possible you ask? Well, apparently, I didn’t hit the ‘block’ button. Doesn’t seem like me though. There is a reason why my friends call me ‘The Closer’.
Hmmm, how did I not block him? What did I do yesterday? Maybe I was drinking? Maybe I was already drunk? Maybe I was working? Nah!! Oh, yea! An ad popped up for a sale on shoes. Priorities people. Priorities.
So, Mr. Stache remained free in the Match.Com community. Lurking. Waiting to strike. I see his username come up in my inbox. Immediately, my eyes squint, my lips curl and a ‘noooooooo’ comes squeaking from my mouth. I’m thinking: ‘Ok, I’ve already said no, what else is he going to say?’ Too much, let me assure you.
Will you keep me as your secret lover?
Let’s pen a response. After all, he’s sent me 5 messages. It would be rude not to, don’t you think? I knew you’d agree.
Thank you for the array of colorful emails. It’s true that I did respond to your last 5 emails letting you know I wasn’t interested. Perhaps I was too hasty. This last message really has me re-evaluating my life and potential relationships. I had it all wrong and you’ve shown me the light. I mean, do I really need someone age appropriate? Do I really need someone in shape, or can at least walk a flight of stairs without being winded? I think that maybe I’ve been too harsh and that excessive facial hair can come in handy as a pillow, food storage saver and potentially dental floss. I need to look at this as the glass half full.
What I really love is that you know me better than myself. That you’ve pushed forward through my countless refusals of your advances, getting to my core and understanding that at the root of everything, I’m really not interested in a relationship but having you as a secret lover.
I want to thank you for attaching that last photo of you with the background photoshopped out. Your unwashed, blue flannel, snap button shirt, undone while laying down. The striking white background really makes you pop. Good call.
Thank you for showing me the error of my ways.
Your new secret lover,
You can actually see and feel how this blog and online dating is allowing me to blossom, open up and find my true femininity. I actually had to swallow down the chunks that came up while reading this post.
What have we learned today from online dating? Sometimes you need a strong resolve when dealing with matches online. If you had seen his pictures, you’d want to dump a bottle of Clorox on your eyes, just to make the images go away. Please, please…go away.