Thanks for the photo. It makes me want to dump Clorox in my eyes.

Ok.  I messed up.  I admit it.  It’s not the first time and it won’t be the last.  I’m an idiot.

“Mr. 1800′s Moustache” emailed me again.  You may remember his emails from my post yesterday.  No?  Ok- take a look.  He’s gross and creepy.

I find your handlebar moustache intoxicating

How is that possible you ask?  Well, apparently, I didn’t hit the ‘block’ button.  Doesn’t seem like me though.  There is a reason why my friends call me ‘The Closer’. 

Hmmm, how did I not block him?  What did I do yesterday?  Maybe I was drinking?  Maybe I was already drunk?  Maybe I was working?  Nah!! Oh, yea!  An ad popped up for a sale on shoes.  Priorities people.  Priorities.

So, Mr. Stache remained free in the Match.Com community.  Lurking.  Waiting to strike.  I see his username come up in my inbox.  Immediately, my eyes squint, my lips curl and a ‘noooooooo’ comes squeaking from my mouth.  I’m thinking:  ‘Ok, I’ve already said no, what else is he going to say?’  Too much, let me assure you.

Will you keep me as your secret lover?

Love Pete

Let’s pen a response.  After all, he’s sent me 5 messages.  It would be rude not to, don’t you think?  I knew you’d agree.

Dear Pete:

Thank you for the array of colorful emails.  It’s true that I did respond to your last 5 emails letting you know I wasn’t interested.  Perhaps I was too hasty.  This last message really has me re-evaluating my life and potential relationships.  I had it all wrong and you’ve shown me the light.  I mean, do I really need someone age appropriate?  Do I really need someone in shape, or can at least walk a flight of stairs without being winded?  I think that maybe I’ve been too harsh and that excessive facial hair can come in handy as a pillow, food storage saver and potentially dental floss.  I need to look at this as the glass half full.

What I really love is that you know me better than myself.  That you’ve pushed forward through my countless refusals of your advances, getting to my core and understanding that at the root of everything, I’m really not interested in a relationship but having you as a secret lover.

I want to thank you for attaching that last photo of you with the background photoshopped out.   Your unwashed, blue flannel, snap button shirt, undone while laying down.  The striking white background really makes you pop.  Good call.

Thank you for showing me the error of my ways.

Your new secret lover,

Vivid.

You can actually see and feel how this blog and online dating is allowing me to blossom, open up and find my true femininity. I actually had to swallow down the chunks that came up while reading this post. 

What have we learned today from online dating?   Sometimes you need a strong resolve when dealing with matches online.  If you had seen his pictures, you’d want to dump a bottle of Clorox on your eyes, just to make the images go away.  Please, please…go away.

About these ads

9 thoughts on “Thanks for the photo. It makes me want to dump Clorox in my eyes.

    • Summer, lol! You’re right. He sure is persistent. Maybe it’ll wear me down and that’s his technique. With that said, we’re going out next week. :) Just kidding :)

  1. Tact, the ability to tell someone to kiss your ass and have them walk away with a smile, I promise that email had tact in spades. For my gender please accept my apoligies for his being on the planet, he is a real douche canoe.

    But then again without fodder for the blog where would we be?

    • LOL! It’s all in good fun. But, NO, I did not send that letter. I wanted to. Badly. So very badly. But, that’s just not me and no need to prolong this experience. Certainly a letter from myself is not going to change the way he thinks. But, you sure are right…we can all laugh at it. :)
      PS- Love the term douche canoe! Never heard it. Going to use it! :)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s